I thought it’d be fun to do more TV Flashbacks on the blog, so I’ve chosen Friday’s to be the designated Flashback day. There were lots of great shows to choose from to launch Flashback Friday, and I’ve chosen one that never ceases to make me laugh: Roseanne.
I watched the series when it first aired and now I’m reliving the fun with my youngest daughter as we watch them in reruns. There are a lot of crazy weird things on tv right now – reality shows that are a little too real – it seems that sleaze, slime, and trash are waiting on nearly every channel.
I think that’s why classic comedies are more popular now than ever, people always have and always will enjoy a good laugh.
There’s no better way to escape than with laughter! The quote collection, below, will grow and grow – so check back every now and again as there may be a whole new set of bwa ha ha’s waiting for you.
Memorable Lines From Roseanne:
Dan: What happened to Jimmy? I liked Jimmy.
Darlene: So did Becky, until he dumped her.
Becky: He didn’t dump me!
Darlene: Get real, you hit the ground like a safe.
Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don’t finish your crud, you’re not gonna get any crap for dessert.
Dan: (In jail) I don’t have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.
Roseanne: (after all the kids have left for school) Quick, they’re gone. Change the locks
Darlene: (to Roseanne) You told me David and Becky were going to be here. I didn’t realize I would be spending the afternoon with Drunken Hines.
Darlene: (when Sean tries to put his arm around her) Any part of you that touches me, you’re not getting back.
Roseanne: What have I told you about killing your brother in the living room?
Becky: All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don’t wear mittens. It’ll slow you down.
Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.
Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.
Darlene: Rub a Lamp.
Dan: Ah man, we’re screwed.
Roseanne: No Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
Roseanne: That is not funny! You’re grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father’s!
D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What’s the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn’t do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn’t even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
Dan: You’re acting like a crazed psychopath.
Roseanne: The voices in my head disagree.
Jackie: (after meeting the snobby new neighbor, Kathy Bowman) Maybe she was a little uptight.
Roseanne: A LITTLE uptight? Hey, man you couldn’t drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.
Darlene: Oh, man. I feel like I’m the middle of a really bad after-school special.
Dan: Hey Roseanne. I just saw all the animals in the neighborhood running in circles, so I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Roseanne: Hold the knife steady Dan. I keep missing my wrist.
Dan: (Dan is upset because Darlene is late coming home from a rock concert) I’m gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.
Saleslady at a Perfume Counter: Do you know what the fastest way to a man’s heart is?
Roseanne: Yeah… through his chest.
Roseanne: Face it, Jackie, our family was screwed up. Which is probably why I got fat and you kept jumping from guy to guy.
Jackie: Yeah.
* long pause *
Jackie: Or maybe I just never found the right guy and you just never found the wrong doughnut.
Roseanne: What’s up? I smell fear. I love that smell, but what’s up?
Dan: Have you considered getting a gun for the diner?
Roseanne: Oh, there’s a great idea. A loaded gun in the same room as my mother and my sister. What if they miss each other and kill a customer?
Dan: Then they’ll have to reload.
Roseanne: You two are gonna be loving sisters like me and Jackie!
Darlene: Okay.
Darlene: (to Becky) I’ll sleep with every guy in town and you gain 400 pounds.
Roseanne: I can’t believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there’s a real good reason to hate you. You’re a bitch.
Ronnie: I’m a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches.
Mark: (on why he didn’t hurry to get to the Connor’s house) I didn’t think there was a dinner time here. I thought it was just grazin’ 24 hours a day.
Roseanne: (to DJ) Son, I’m going to punish you so hard that they’ll throw a benefit concert for you.
Darlene: You guys think we don’t get your corny little sex jokes.
Roseanne: You kids ARE our corny little sex jokes.
Phyllis Zimmer: (discussing their affair in high school) Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
Dan: Yes.
Dan: (pointing to his teeth) False, false, crown, bridge.
Darlene: (Darlene and Becky try to get a later curfew) Mom, have I told you how nice you’re looking?
Roseanne: Thank you. Ten o’clock.
Becky: (to Darlene as they leave) Not nice, thin! Thin!
(Becky has carved a head out of meat at the diner.)
Becky: Guess who this is? “Darlene! Becky! My back’s itchy right in the cen-ter!”
Darlene: God, it’s mom. It’s mom tar-tar.
Becky: How long you think it would take to cook mom’s head?
Darlene: Two and a half hours at 350. I’ve thought about it a lot.
Roseanne Show Did You Knows?
Corn is mentioned or shown in every episode.
All three of Roseanne’s husbands (Bill Pentland, Tom Arnold, and Ben Thomas) made at least one guest appearance on the show.
Laurie Metcalf (Jackie) is one of Chicago’s most famous stage actresses.
Laurie Metcalf has appeared on Frasier, Malcom in the Middle, Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and Without a Trace.
John Goodman (Dan) is a huge fan of the St. Louis Cardinals – I always did like him!
Sara Gilbert (who brilliantly played Darlene) is, of course, the little sister of Melissa Gilbert (Laura Ingalls Wilder). Sarah was on the show for nine years and was given time off to attend Yale University. She graduated with honors in 1997.
Click the link below for a great video on YouTube – scenes from an episode titled “Becky’s Choice.” Funny stuff! (I would post the videos here on the blog but the Roseanne videos don’t allow you to do so. Boo and Hiss.) http://youtube.com/watch?v=awdRBmRPyIs
Okay, beautiful readers, let me give it to you straight. There’s absolutely no reason to put your television on any channel but TV Land today. Starting at 9:00 (be sure to check your own local listings), their going to obliterate the competition. Being the I Love Lucy addict that I am, I’m getting weak in the knees. Get this: Lucy will take over the channel for 7 hours – putting me in 7th Heaven!
